Funeral Service Flower Etiquette
Over the past 18 years of running Lily's Florist, we've helped thousands of families navigate one of life's most difficult moments. I'm Siobhan, and along with my partner Andrew, we've learned so much about funeral flowers, not from textbooks or corporate training manuals, but from real conversations with grieving families, from our partner florists who've shared their wisdom, and yes, from our own losses too.
I recall a customer calling back in the days when I used to answer the phone still, and in tears. She'd never ordered funeral flowers before, thought she said she had bought flowers before, and was completely overwhelmed. Her voice cracked as she asked, "Am I supposed to send flowers? What kind? What do I write on the card?" After walking her through all the steps as compassionately as possible, she thanked us for making such a hard task feel, well, more manageable. These moments remind us why sharing this knowledge matters.
The Reality of Ordering Funeral Flowers
Let me paint you a picture of what typically happens. The phone rings, and there's often a pause before someone speaks. Sometimes they're crying, sometimes they're matter of fact, but almost always, they're uncertain of even what or how to say 'it'. After nearly two decades of these calls, we've noticed that most people have the same fears. They want to do the right thing, they want their flowers to honour the person who's passed, and they're terrified of making a mistake during such a sensitive time.
I recall in around January 2010, when we were still working from our converted garage office in Pottsville, I remember taking a call from an elderly man who'd lost his best mate of 60 years. He spent 5 minutes telling me stories about their friendship before we even talked about flowers. That taught me something important that day. Funeral flowers are never really just about the flowers. They're about connection, memory, and finding a way to say goodbye when words fail us.
Who Should Send Funeral Flowers (And Who Maybe Shouldn't)
This question comes up often, and honestly, the answer has changed quite a bit since we first opened our doors in Kingscliff back in 2006. These days, many families include phrases like "in lieu of flowers" in funeral notices, asking for donations to charity instead. Always, and I mean always, respect these wishes.
When flowers are welcomed, here's what we've observed works well. Immediate family typically orders the casket spray or coffin flowers, those are the main arrangements that sit on top of the casket. Extended family, close friends, and work colleagues often send standing sprays, wreaths, or sympathy bouquets. If you're unsure about your relationship to the deceased or the family, a thoughtful sympathy arrangement sent to the family home after the service can be perfect.
I remember one call, yeah I took 1000's of them, where a customer wanted to send the biggest, most elaborate arrangement to her former boss's funeral at Tweed Valley Cemetery. After chatting, we discovered she'd only worked with him for three months, twenty years ago. We gently suggested a more modest tribute might be appropriate which, if I recall, our Blissful Botanics Bouquet. She later thanked us for the guidance, saying she hadn't realised how her grand gesture might have seemed odd to the grieving family.
Timing Matters More Than You Think
From my experience coordinating with funeral directors across Australia, flowers for the service itself need to arrive at least two hours before the service begins. Funeral directors have specific ways they like to arrange the flowers, and rushing in at the last minute disrupts their carefully planned setup. We learned this the hard way in our early days when a well meaning courier tried to deliver flowers just as the service was starting. The funeral director was gracious but firm in explaining why this was problematic.
For flowers going to the family home, we've found that sending them a day or two after the service often means the most. The house that was full of visitors suddenly feels empty, and that's when a beautiful arrangement with a heartfelt message can provide real comfort. One of our customers back in the day that used to send flowers Byron Bay quite often told us that the flowers that arrived three days after her mother's funeral meant more to her than all the arrangements at the service because they came when she felt most alone.
Writing the Card Message (The Part Everyone Dreads)
Can I let you in on something? In 18 years, we've probably helped write or advised on tens of thousands of sympathy messages, and people still surprise us with their creativity and heart. In fact, so many, that I decided to build a page on our website that specifically give guidance on how to write cards for sympathy. But we also know that staring at that blank card message box online or trying to tell us over the phone what to write can feel impossible when you're grieving.
Keep it simple and genuine. We've seen messages that were just three words long carry enormous weight. "Thinking of you" or "With deepest sympathy" are perfectly appropriate. If you knew the deceased well, sharing a brief memory can be beautiful. One message that's stuck with me for years simply said, "Thank you for teaching me to laugh at myself. Rest easy, old friend."
Avoid trying to explain or rationalise the loss with phrases about it being "for the best" or "part of God's plan" unless you're absolutely certain the family shares those specific beliefs. We once had a customer rewrite their message three times after realising their initial attempt might not land well with the family's beliefs.
The Flowers Themselves
Now, let's talk about the actual flowers. White lilies have been associated with funerals for generations, and there's something deeply moving about their elegant simplicity. But here's what many people don't realise, funeral flowers don't have to be all white and somber anymore. We've sent bright sunflower arrangements for people who lived joyful lives, native flower arrangements for those who loved the Australian bush, and even tropical arrangements for people who loved their beach holidays.
About eight years ago, we had a request for a funeral arrangement made entirely of bright orange gerberas because the deceased had grown them in her garden for forty years. The photos from that service showed a sea of orange surrounding the casket, and the family told us it was exactly what she would have wanted.
That said, some traditions remain important. Red roses at funerals typically come from spouses or partners, that deep red speaking to enduring love. Chrysanthemums, while popular for funerals in many cultures, can be seen as exclusively funeral flowers in some communities, so they might not be the best choice for the sympathy arrangement you send to someone's home afterward.
Cultural Considerations We've Learned Along the Way
Australia's beautiful multiculturalism means we've learned to navigate many different funeral traditions. Some cultures prefer specific colours, others have flowers they avoid entirely. We've learned to ask gentle questions when we sense cultural considerations might be important. Our partner florist in the Cabramatta area in 2010 taught us so much about Asian funeral traditions, while our partner florists in Melbourne's inner suburbs have helped us understand Greek and Italian customs.
Never assume what's appropriate based on someone's name or appearance. We always suggest that if you're unsure, a quiet call to another family member or friend can save you from an unintentional mistake. Or simply choose a classic, respectful arrangement in whites and greens, which transcends most cultural boundaries.
When Things Go Wrong (Because Sometimes They Do)
We need to be honest here. Despite everyone's best efforts, sometimes things go wrong with funeral flowers. Maybe the flowers arrive late, maybe the color isn't quite right, or maybe, and this has happened, the message card gets mixed up. We once had two funeral deliveries on the same day, and despite our usually bulletproof systems, the cards got swapped. Imagine the family's confusion receiving condolences for "Uncle Bob" when they'd lost an Aunt Margaret.
We immediately called both families, apologised profusely, and hand delivered the correct cards along with additional sympathy arrangements at no charge. Both families were incredibly understanding. Death brings out the best in most people, and grace in the face of honest mistakes is more common than you might think.
The Flowers That Come After
Something people don't often talk about is what happens to funeral flowers after the service. Many families feel guilty about throwing them away but don't know what else to do. We've heard beautiful stories of families dividing up arrangements so everyone takes home a piece, pressed flowers being kept in memory books, and arrangements being donated to nursing homes or hospitals to brighten someone else's day.
One particularly touching story came from a customer in Taree whose family dried petals from all the funeral arrangements and scattered them at sea six months later on what would have been their father's birthday. There's no right or wrong way to handle funeral flowers afterward, but knowing you have options can help.
A Personal Note
Some time ago, we lost Andrew's mother. Despite being in the flower business all these years, we found ourselves in that same uncertain space our customers describe. What felt right? What would she have wanted? We ended up choosing cottage garden style arrangements because she'd spent so many weekends pottering in her garden. Seeing our own grief reflected back to us through flowers gave us an even deeper appreciation for what we do.
Running Lily's Florist has taught us that funeral flowers are one of humanity's oldest traditions for good reason. They say what we cannot, they bring beauty to sorrow, and they create a shared language of grief and love. Whether you send the grandest casket spray or the simplest bunch of roses, what matters is the gesture itself, the recognition of loss, and the offer of comfort.
If you're reading this because you need to order funeral flowers, first, we're sorry for your loss. Take your time, trust your instincts, and remember that any gesture made with genuine care and respect is the right gesture. And if you need help, whether you order from us or not, give us a call. After 19 years of these conversations, we've gotten pretty good at helping people find their way through.
Funeral Service Flower Etiquette FAQ
What's the safest flower choice if I'm still nervous?
Please remember, any gesture made with genuine care is the right gesture. However, if you are feeling uncertain, the safest and most classic choice is an elegant arrangement of white and green flowers. White lilies, roses, and carnations are all traditional and respectful choices that transcend most cultural and religious customs. We also recommend sending an arrangement in a vase or box, as this removes the burden of the family having to find one.
I've missed the funeral service. Is it too late to send flowers?
Not at all. In fact, sending flowers after the service can be one of the most thoughtful and comforting things you can do. In the days and weeks after a funeral, when the visitors have gone and the house becomes quiet, a beautiful bouquet arriving at the family's home is a powerful reminder that they are still in your thoughts. A personal sympathy arrangement sent to the home is always appropriate.
The notice says "in lieu of flowers." Can I still send something?
It is always best to respect the family's wishes regarding the funeral service itself. The "in lieu of flowers" request is typically intended to prevent being overwhelmed with large floral tributes at the service. However, it is often still seen as a kind and appropriate gesture to send a smaller, personal sympathy arrangement directly to the family's home, either before or after the service. When in doubt, a heartfelt card is always a perfect choice.
As a work colleague, should flowers go to the funeral or the home?
As a general guide, large and formal arrangements for the service (like wreaths or standing sprays) are usually sent by immediate family and very close friends. For work colleagues, the most common and thoughtful gesture is to either organise a group collection for a single, larger arrangement sent to the service, or more personally, to send a sympathy bouquet or plant directly to the grieving family's home.
How much should I spend on sympathy flowers?
There is absolutely no set amount, and the family will appreciate the gesture regardless of its cost. The most important thing is the thought behind it. A simple, elegant bouquet is a perfectly appropriate and meaningful gesture. Many colleagues or groups of friends also choose to pool their money for a single, more substantial arrangement, which is a wonderful way to show collective support.
Can you just give me a simple, safe message for the card?
Absolutely. When you're lost for words, keeping your message short, simple, and sincere is always the best approach. Here are a few heartfelt examples:
- Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.
- With our deepest sympathy and love.
- We are so sorry for your loss. [Deceased's Name] will be deeply missed.
- Sending you all our love and support.